While searching for something to read on LDS.org I stumbled across this talk."Just the two of us" I don’t know quite how I got to it, but it was the exact answer I have been needing . The talk is about Sister Kapp who was the general young women president. She talked about the struggles and challenges that have come to her and her husband as they have not been able to have children. She gave hope and perspective to other couples who might be going through this same struggle. Why would this interested me and be the exact answer I needed? Its because it’s the same struggle that Bryan and I will face.
Not many people know this but Bryan and I had to make a very hard decision before we even got married. It was not easy but we decided to have me undergo a tubal ligation. Due to my health problems my doctors counseled us that it would not be a good idea for me to carry a child. My heart just wouldn’t be strong enough for two of us. We didn’t want to have to make the hard decision one day if it would be me or the baby, because I know what I would choose and I couldn’t put Bryan through that. My heart breaks even just writing this because all I have ever wanted was to be a mother. To have the joy of holding my own child fresh from Heaven and being trusted to teach them and help them return to Heavenly Father. I will never get to experience that.
Even though we have Kirianna. (Bryans daughter) every other weekend and off and on in the summer I still mourned for my loss. It seems like I very privately let that pain and sorrow over come my thoughts. I hadn’t shared my whole feelings with anyone because I thought that speaking them out loud would just make them harder to deal with. Also I think I hit a point last week after Kirrianna in her sweet way asked me if we could have a baby girl because she wants a sister. Then the same day being called to serve in the nursery in my ward. I very privately inside became angry, offended, hurt and lost my perspective.
Why am I sitting here being so overcome with something that I can not change. My amazing husband, who puts up with me and knows exactly what to say even if he doesn’t realize how much he is helping. He gave me this great advice…. “Look forward and look for the good…..press forward!” Also Sister Kapp said
"We who do not have children can wallow in self-pity—or we can experience “birth pains” as we struggle to open the passageway to eternal life for ourselves and others. I bear testimony to you that instead of wrapping your empty and aching arms around yourself, you can reach out to others. As you do so, one day you will even be able to hold your friends’ babies and rejoice. You will be able to rejoice with the mother of a new bride, and the mother of a newly called missionary, and even with your friends the day they become grandmothers. "
So right now while I can not do anything to change my situation I can reach out and help others. I can serve the children in my ward and love them. " “You need not possess children to love them. Loving is not synonymous with possessing, and possessing is not necessarily loving. The world is filled with people to be loved, guided, taught, lifted, and inspired.” I know that as I look beyond my self the Lord will help me as I help others. The good thing is there is still hope. We are looking into surrogacy and even adoption. It will be a long road with alot of emotional ups and downs but will be so worth it! Hopefully we can give Kirianna that sister she wants in time....the Lords time.
"How do we handle unfulfilled expectations? First, we must accept the reality that this life is not intended to be free of struggle. In fact, it is through struggle that we are given opportunities to fulfill the very purpose of this mortal life. It is the fiery trials of mortality that will either consume us or refine us."
So this is my hope that I can remember to keep my faith and take this trial and lean from it. I will be the best step mom possible for Kirianna and seek out ways I can serve others. And please if you know any info on surrogacy or adoption let us know!
1 comment:
Heidi Marley Pearson I love you Mandy! Sometimes i really wonder why H.F. puts people that struggle with the 'When are you going to have a baby?' in primary and nursery callings. it's frustrating that people don't always realize that not "having a baby" isn't always our first choice. Thank you for sharing this. have you and bryan talked with your bishop? Lds services or they can also help find you an agency to work with.
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