Flash back!

So tonight I have been going through some of my old journals and had quite the walk down memory lane! I am working on a activity for the young women to learn more about the importance of temple marriage.  So we are making time capsules they can open once they are engaged.  I am having them write down goals for the future and then a letter to their future husband. I remembered that some where in a old Journal I had wrote a letter to my future husband.  So I was on a mission to find it! After almost killing myself by getting to all my boxed up stuff in our dungeon of a basement, ( maybe thats a clue I need to clean down there)  I found the gold mine of journals! Oh man reading some of my old entries made me laugh.  Reading what 19 year old Mandy wanted in life sure gave me something to think about.  I read through a good 10 years of my life tonight. From my conversion to the gospel, days in the singles wards, life at BUY-I, to my wonderful mission experience and my post mission life.  I do have to say that I had some good goals set for myself! Some I accomplished, some i did not, but the most important things or should I say the most eternal things I have stayed true to.  I can gladly report that my main goals I consistently wrote about was, 1. Stay converted to the gospel. 2. Never settle for anything less than a temple marriage. 3. Be the best wife and mother as possible and 4. Keep family first, always! 

Now I know I have so much to improve on, but I am glad that I have been blessed enough to accomplish those goals. I. Am so so gratefully for my temple marriage! Reading my journals, hopes for marriage  and a family was talked about A LOT!  It seemed like I had to wait forever for Bryan! But he was so worth the wait! My pleadings to my Heavenly Father for the best husband was defiantly heard!  Bryan is so much more than I ever dreamed of.  I am so glad we are sealed together for eternity! That knowledge of knowing that  as we remain worthy that what ever happens we will be will be together forever brings me so much peace! The world is getting worse everyday, so much evil has hardened mens hearts. But we have something that no man can ever take from us, we have eternity! That thought empowers me, makes me want to be better! Most of all it makes me so grateful for what blessed I have.  I am so excited to see what the next 10 years of Journals will have in them! 

Midnight bawl fest anyone?

Oh my goodness please tell me I am not the only one out there who finds themselves having a bawl fest late at night after everyone else is in bed? Here I sit in an completely quite house. All the kids are sleeping soundly, and when I say kids I am including Bryan in that too. Sure this would be the perfect time to get some extra shut eye myself. I know the kids will be coming in to our bed for their morning snuggles way to early. I can already tell you I will need a nap tomorrow. ( that's a funny joke , what mom gets a nap anymore) :-)  For the life of me I can not turn my brain off. I am thinking about all that needs to be done and my long list of "I need to do betters".  In hopes to shut the brain off I start to surf the internet.  Some how one link lead me to another one and I came upon a blog post wrote by a Foster Mom.  You can read it here  Its about her experience being a foster parent.  She wrote it so amazingly.  Its like the feelings she expressed are the same as mine.  I just can't seem to put into words as well as she does.  She accounts her experience of having to give back her foster child after she cared from her for thirteen months.

" Dropping Nina off at a county center that morning was heart-wrenching. This child whom we loved with all our hearts, we so hoped to entrust directly to her mother, Rayna, with whom we had built a good relationship over the past thirteen months. Yet the social worker said they could not permit this and risk drama. When we arrived at the center, we were told to leave Nina in the playroom, all by herself, and depart. Rayna would come by later to pick her up. I will never forget Nina sitting by the wall, patting the space next to her and saying to me, “It, Mama, It.” (she could not say S’s back then, so “Sit” became “It”). I held her very, very close, hoping that the lifetime of love within me would work its way into her little body. “I love you, Nina,” I said fiercely. “I will always love you, OK?” “Be happy, Stay happy,” said Dyl as he followed with a hug for the daughter of his heart. As we headed toward our truck, our empty truck devoid of Nina’s things, we held each other and cried -– huge, broken sobs, mourning the loss in our lives."

OK I just started sobbing AGAIN  when I read through it one more time.  My heart just breaks for what this foster mom had to do.  I often think to myself what am I ever going to do if my little monkeys have to leave our home. I normally hurry and push those thoughts as far back as I can. It hurts to much to even think about that.  But tonight in the quit I can not help but think of the unknown.  What will I do? How will I fill my day up? How can I possibly go with out our crazy little super hero who is so full of energy and so tender hearted.  He has his moments just like any normal five year old boy who likes to test the waters with their mother. But I would not trade those times at all, those are the times we both learned from one another. How about my little princess? You do not get any more girly then her! She is getting so smart! She makes me laugh everyday,  she is my shopping buddy, my little miss independent I,ll do it myself girl. Then there is my little chunky monk! She is the tiniest little thing, but the toughest of the three.  She can take them all down in a blink of an eye.  I have been her momma since she was three months old. We have seen her roll to both sides for the first time, when she finally truly sat up with out falling over like a webble wabble. Then how fast she crawled, then walked and now running everywhere!  We taught her to say momma and daddy.  She melts my heart every time she looks at me and says momma.  I can't even put into words how much joy it gives me to see her run with the biggest smile on her face to Bryan when he gets home from work. How can I ever ever be expected to just pack up their stuff and leave them in a play room. My heart hurts just at the thought of that day.

I just pray that what ever happens that my faith can be strengthened in knowing that I have a Heavenly Father who has a plan for me.  That his plan for exceeds anything then I can ever imagine. I know that I am his daughter and He wants me to be happy. Although we do face hard times in life He will never stop giving us blessings to mold us, and perfect us so we can live with Him again.