The things that matter most

So here is is 11:00 at night, I just got done loading the dishwasher and trying to clean up the house after a busy day. I still have so much to do before Bryan gets home from work.  There is a pile of clothes that need folded, craft projects to be cleaned up and the blanket fort that is set up outside still needs to be taken down and brought back in.  As I trying to figure out what task to tackle first I cant help but have a heart full of love and gratitude.  So right now everything can wait so I can take a second and express my love for the things that matter most,

My Husband is so amazing.  I know people think that oh we are still in the honey moon stage and its the newlywed syndrome that is spurring my love and appreciation for him.  Maybe they are right to a degree but I hope that "stage" never leaves.  Bryan is honestly my best friend.  Just the past couple weeks my eyes have been open to the power of marriage and love.  I was able to see through others experience how important it is to always be there for your spouse,  I think each marriage has points when one or the other is down and its up to the other to be the one to forgive and reach out and lift the other one up.  In our very sort time together (dating time and all) Bryan has been that hand to help and support me.   He has let me cry on his shoulder many many times, he has whispered encouragement and love in my ear and he is always keeping that eternal perceptive that we so need.  I dont think I can honestly put into words how much I love him and how much that love is growing every day.

Another shout out I have to give is to Kirianna,  She amazes me! Its sometimes overwhelming to  think that I am her step mom.  I know that the Lord had it in his plans for her to a part of my life.  At almost eight years old I am sure she teaches me far more than I teach her.  The one thing that I find amazing about her is her ability to love others.  For a little shy red head her heart is very big.  She has let me into her family and loved me with out blinking a eye.  I love it when she is up and Bryan has to work because we get our "girl" time. I get to snuggle in bed with her and listen to her talk a mile minute about anything and everything.  That girl makes me laugh with her silliness. 

One more thank you I have to express is to my family.  I love them.  I have spent alot of time with them lately and have been blessed because of it.  I have amazing parents, you people just done even know how amazing they are.  My mom is so giving of her time, talents and love.  My dad is a rock so strong and amazing ability to  keep our family on the right track.  My parents have face so may trials that would break most people but some how that have come out of them stronger.  My brother, the only one in our family who is quite.  He might not say much but when he does he is profound and full of wisdom!  Then my sister, my trusted friend, enemy, accomplice,partner,,,,my sister.  I spend so much time trying to protect her and be her big sister that I have failed to notice has strong she can be on her own.  She can brighten my mood and get me out of a funk faster than anyone I know!  Thank you!

So shoot now Bryan is going to be walking in any second, and not one thing on my list is done, but that is ok  because they are things that dont matter that most :)

Humble Slap.....

I don’t know why sometimes I am so quick to forget the blessing that I have now and only focuses on what I don’t have.  I wish I was able to have the faith that would help me keep the eternal perspective that is need to over come trials.   It seems like lately I have been caught up in looking at the struggles in life that I have forgotten what is needed to over come them. 

While searching for  something to read on LDS.org I stumbled across this talk."Just the two of us"  I don’t know quite how I got to it, but it was the exact answer I have been needing .  The talk is about  Sister Kapp who was the general young women president.   She talked about the struggles and challenges that have come to her and her husband as they have not been able to have children. She gave hope and perspective to other couples who might be going through this same struggle.  Why would this interested me and be the exact answer I needed?  Its because it’s the same struggle that Bryan and I will face.

Not many people know this but Bryan and I had to make a very hard decision before we even got married. It was not easy but we decided to have me undergo a tubal ligation.  Due to my health problems my doctors counseled us that it would not be a good idea for me to carry a child.  My heart just wouldn’t be strong enough for two of us.  We didn’t want to have to make the hard decision  one day if it would be me or the baby, because I know what I would choose and I couldn’t put Bryan through that. My  heart breaks even just writing this  because all I have ever wanted was to be a mother.  To have the  joy of holding my own child fresh from Heaven and being trusted to teach them and help them return to Heavenly Father.  I will never get to experience that.   

Even though we have Kirianna. (Bryans daughter) every other weekend and off and on in the summer I still mourned for my loss.  It seems like I very privately let that pain and sorrow over come my thoughts.  I hadn’t shared my whole feelings with anyone because I thought that speaking them out loud would just make them harder to deal with.  Also I think I hit a point last week after Kirrianna in her sweet way asked me if we could have a baby girl because she wants a sister.  Then the same day being called to serve in the nursery in my ward.  I very privately inside became angry, offended, hurt and lost my perspective. 

Why am  I sitting here being so overcome with something that I can not change.  My amazing husband, who puts up with me and knows exactly what to say even  if he doesn’t realize how much he is helping.  He gave me this great advice…. “Look forward and look for the good…..press forward!” Also Sister  Kapp said 

"We who do not have children can wallow in self-pity—or we can experience “birth pains” as we struggle to open the passageway to eternal life for ourselves and others. I bear testimony to you that instead of wrapping your empty and aching arms around yourself, you can reach out to others. As you do so, one day you will even be able to hold your friends’ babies and rejoice. You will be able to rejoice with the mother of a new bride, and the mother of a newly called missionary, and even with your friends the day they become grandmothers. "

So right now while I can not do anything to change my situation I can reach out and help others. I can serve the children in my ward and love them. " “You need not possess children to love them. Loving is not synonymous with possessing, and possessing is not necessarily loving. The world is filled with people to be loved, guided, taught, lifted, and inspired.” I know that as I look beyond my self the Lord will help me as I help others.  The good thing is there is still hope.  We are looking into surrogacy and even adoption.  It will be a long road with alot of emotional ups and downs but will be so worth it!  Hopefully we can give Kirianna that sister she wants in time....the Lords time.   

"How do we handle unfulfilled expectations? First, we must accept the reality that this life is not intended to be free of struggle. In fact, it is through struggle that we are given opportunities to fulfill the very purpose of this mortal life. It is the fiery trials of mortality that will either consume us or refine us."

So this  is my hope that I can remember to keep my faith and take this trial and lean from it.  I will be the best step mom possible for Kirianna and seek out ways I can serve others.  And please if you know any info on surrogacy or adoption let us know!

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good....better....best!

Well first off since the last update I have found myself married!  I am so happy to finally be married to Bryan and to be Mrs. Dutton!  Everything went perfect on our wedding day! I can never express how happy I was to be able to look across at Bryan and know that we are  together FOREVER! No matter what happens in this life we will be together for  the eternities!  I would like to thank everyone for the love and support for our wedding! Thank You!

 So this week is a little crazy, Bryan is working at 4;30 am :( But the good thing is he is home by 1 so i have him home at night!  Although he needs to go to bed around 8:30...so that leaves me quite time to get some things done.  It has been kinda nice....like i get to update my blog :)

Anyways, so tonight I just started thinking  of all the things I need to be doing.  It seems like there is a endless list in my head of things I want to do! Like projects...get the house together....scrapbook.....be with friends....hang out with family....be with the husband and so much more.    Then real life gets in the way and it seems like you have no time to do your Wants after you do what you NEED to do.  Then I start to feel overwhelmed with the things i should be doing better in my life.  How I should be a better friend, how I should send a note to someone i know who needs a pick me up.  How I need to be a better wife, How I should be reading my scriptures more, how I need to be a better member of the ward and go to the activities....ect ect...

With all those feelings running in my head I stumbled on  talk by Elder Ballard and it gave me the up lift I need! https://lds.org/ensign/1983/06/do-things-that-make-a-difference?lang=eng&cid=email-shared
It gave me a better view and understanding of how I can achieve my goals and become the person I want to be but most of all come the person that Heavenly Father know I can be, with his help of course.  My favorite quote from that talk is this...
"May we be better tomorrow than we have ever been before in all of our lives"
  So This is my new theme ,,,,just be better than i was yesterday one step at a time!

Cha..cha..change is coming!

Thats right change is coming!!  So yeah dropping the Avery and adding a Dutton! Wow I cant believe that in eleven days I am going to be MARRIED! Who would have thought...ME...married!  Yeah I know I am still in shock too. Mostly I am in shock that I have found such a amazing man that for what ever reasons loves me and wants to spend eternity with me!  I know many of you already know Bryan and understand how great he is, but I still have to brag about him as much as possible.  I am flat out head over hills for Bryan!  He makes me so happy and shows me that he loves me every single day.  I couldn't have asked for anything better!

So things this past month has been crazy busy with planning the wedding!  Just a side not....planning a wedding isnt as fun as I thought it would be :) I have been blessed with a great mom and sister to help and also Bryan's mom and sisters have helped so much!  Especially Jenny! we have been planning "our wedding" together!  I would have gone crazy with out them! Also its been fun to see how excited Kirianna has been getting.  She has helped me look at wedding cakes online and have given me some great ideas!

Oh I am so happy right now and know its only going to get better from here!  I get to start my journey for eternity with the man that I love, my best friend and Sugar Lips!

Nice little get away!

So this past week Bryan and I took the opportunity to go on a little mini vacation.  It was a much needed get away! It definitely couldn't of come at a better time! On Monday the 7th we headed to SLC for some doctors appointments.  Lets just say that day could have gone better!  Seemed like every appointment ran long and had some kind of complication and this time it had nothing to do with me or my health! So we finally got out of there at five, and we started the appointments at 10:45!  We jumped in the car and started the additional five hour drive to Mesquite, Nevada.  Well the drive took alot longer than five hours!  We ran into a very bad snow storm! and ended up parking on the interstate by Beaver, Utah for 3 hours.  They closed the interstate and we got caught in the middle of it.  Finally we rolled into Mesquite at 3 in the morning!  We found our room we where sharing with Bryan's parents and crashed ready for some much needed sleep. 

Well sleep didn't seem to happen,  we got woke up at 7 to go 4wheelering.  We almost didn't go, thinking that we needed sleep more but it would be the only day we could go for a ride.  So we dragged ourselves out  and I am so glad we did.  We rode up in the hills of Mesquite and it was so pretty, and sunny! In fact I got a little bit of sun burn!  Much needed after the snow storm we faced just a few hours before hand!   The rest of the week was fun!  Spent time with Bryan's parents and Grandparents.  Went to the Hoover Dam and explored the Valley of Fire state park.  Then on our way home Bryan and I drove through Zion national park.  I loved every second of seeing how amazingly beautiful the world is!

I came away with a much greater testimony of Gods Creations.  He has created everything for us to enjoy and use!  I am grateful he took such time and care in creating such a amazing place for us to live in!  It also amazing how much you can feel the spirit being among His works.  Bryan and I have had to make a lot of big decisions lately and I have been under alot of stress about them.  But this week but everything in prospective for me.  I know the Lord is  very aware of my worries and concerns.  Although I might feel like just a little blob in His huge world he runs, I know that He never leaves us alone.  And that I am indeed grateful for!

Future Mrs. Dutton!

So I am officially the future Mrs. Dutton!  I am so extremely happy!   I don’t think there is a luckier girl in the world than me! I am one hundred percent head over heels  in love!  Sounds so cheesy huh, I never thought I would be the girl who was the “I’m in love blah blah blah”  But  I so am!  Bryan makes me so happy its ridicules!  I don’t know how he does it, to be able to put up with me takes a strong person!   I am so happy that we have been able to date for so long and truly develop a great friendship and love for one another! Its almost been a year since we first started dating  and it has been a blast!  We have done so many fun things, I am spoiled! 

So here is the “Story” ….. Well it all started in the first part of January, we started to meet with the bishop about getting a temple clearance. (Bryan was married before so we have to get the first presidency’s approval to get sealed in the temple) So we have been getting the paper work ready and everything and I have been patiently waiting for it to become official.  When I say patiently waiting that is kind of a lie J I got a little impatient the last two weeks or so.  I mean give a girl a brake I am a girl that is in love right?!?! Anyways so I Bryan was very good a deferring any hints of when the ring was coming.  He had to but up with my prying and whining and begging for info.  But he didn’t budge.  And maybe just maybe I got a little grumpy from time to time about the whole situation , I will admit I was a bit testy the last few days but its because he told me it was going to take longer than he thought. 

So on Sunday night the 13th Bryan had roses in his hand when he  got off work.  He proceeded to lie I mean explain to me that he was sorry I wasn’t going to get my ring for Valentines day.  Then he pulled out a ring pop to satisfy me until Thursday or later.  He also said that he was going to take me to lunch since we both had to work at different times on valentines day so we wouldn’t even have much time together.  So when Monday came around and we went to lunch I had no clue or inkling that he was going to propose to me!  Apparently he drove out to McCammom that morning to talk to my dad and get the seal of approval.  I am not sure what those two talked about but all that matters is my dad said yes ; )

So we went up to Applebees for lunch.  It was sweet because that is where we had our first date, we even got to sit in the same booth!  Well lunch was yummy and nothing to eventful, well that is until the check came.  While I was busy boxing up food Bryan ran to the bathroom and came back ready to pay.  He looked at the ticked and was like “honey take a look at this, its more expensive than I thought it would be”  And of corse me being in my own little world wasn’t really paying attention and was like oh yeah hmm ok. Then he slid it over to me and said why do you take a look.  So I opened it and low and behold what did I find  but the most gorgeous diamond ring! 

I just sat there and stared at it.  For once in my life I was speechless!  I could feel the tears coming but they were pushed back because of the big smile that was on my face.  Bryan then  put the ring on my finger and asked me to marry him!  I said YES! I still sat there for a minute stund so much I couldn’t think straight!
After a very amazing lunch I sadly had to go back to work.  I can tell you this, I didn’t get much work done because I was distracted by the bling on my finger!

So we are shooting for May 13th in the Logan Utah temple if everything goes smoothly with the temple clearance.  We both are very excited!  We also would like to thank everyone for their support! So the next three months are going to be crazy busy with planning and exciting activities!  I mostly cant wait to be Mrs. Bryan Dutton for eternity!