What I needed at the time...

So recently I heard about someone going through  a similar experience that Bryan and I had.  Whats weird is I have never personally met this person but my heart broke when I heard what she was experiencing.  She is a young 20 something woman, she had to undo go a surgery that would make her unable to have children.  When I heard the whole story I got the immediate feeling that I should send her and her  boyfriend and email.  I didnt know why at the time I felt so strongly about this, I just knew that I needed to.  So late one night I sat down and wrote this email (names have been removed) .....

Hey ___,
 I heard through the grapevine about _____. I just wanted to personally let both of you know that you guys are in my thoughts and prayers. I do not know all the details but I know enough that I just want to share some thoughts with you two. I don't know how much you may know about my situation but I will sum it up for you. After a year of fighting for my life I meet the man of my dreams. It was a huge blessing to have him after the hardships I had just had to go through. Well you know how the story goes, you fall in love, get married and have babies...right? Well that's what I was planning on until my doctors sat me down and explained the risk of having children. So with a very heavy heart but faith in God that his will will be done we decided that it was best for me to get my tubes tied. On May of 2011 I could have never imagined that my life would be so blessed as it now is. We now are married with a step daughter and 3 amazing soon to be children we have been fostering for the past 18 months. So with all that being said please know that I do have an idea of what you are going through and some what of the journey you are starting . Just please know that God is good and He has a plan for you and that He will bless you beyond anything you can imagine as you put his trust in him. If you have any questions or need someone to talk to vent to or cry to, I am here. I would just like to let _____ know somethings i wish someone would have told me back in 2011.
 1. Do not EVER let someone tell you that you are less of a woman or mother because you can not physical have a child. Some times that person saying that was myself. Don't listen to them! People will say stupid things, ask stupid questions and hurt your feelings but what comes down to it is that the Lord knows your heart and you are never less to Him!
2. Don't be suprised when out of the blue you have a bad "why me day" No matter how prepared you are or strong you think you are those days come. When they do, turn to those who love you most. trust me, trying to deal with those bad days on your own only make for more bad days.
 3. Smile and find humor in your situation. I am a firm believer in laughter is the best medicine.
 4. Serve others, There are so many people in similar positions as you. reach out and help others and forget your self. When you do you seem to see your blessings clearer
5. Never give up on what you want. And once you know what you want fight as hard as you can for it! But in 2011 I knew I wanted a child one day but it seemed SO SO far and SO SO hard and honestly IMPOSSIBLE. But again, put your faith in God he has a plan.

I really do wish all the best for you and have a full heart thinking of you two! One last thing, a favorite quote of mine that I love and seem to have to remind myself of everyday
"Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith"

Love you guys! and Hope to see and meet you soon!! Mandy

When I finished that email I had tears running down my face.  I turned to Bryan and read it to him.  It was VERY hard to get through and of course bawled like a baby. See at that moment when I read it to him (and as I just re-read it while typing this post) I realized why I felt the promoting to write that email.  It was for ME!  I NEEDED to hear my own words! See recently it seems like we have had some hard days. We have been going through court seeing if our monkeys parents rights will be revoked.  It has been a very stressful and at times very overwhelming!  I think I have personally had a hard time with anger towards the mother and frustrations with the court system. Not to mention I was super stressed about having to testify at the court hearing.  But to sit back and see how much the Lord has blessed our little family it humbles me.  It gives me a strengthened testimony of Faith.  I am SO SO grateful that the Lord has giving me so much.  My heart is full of gratitude tonight! 

One Year!

Here in a few days it will be our one year mark of having our little monkeys as part of our family!  Wow it has sure flown by!  I went back to read what I wrote on the blog when we first got them. (to read that post click here) I have to say, I had to read that with tears flowing down my cheeks!  All those feeling I had at first came right back.  I want to just share a small part of it:


"When I got the call to see if we were willing to take the 3 siblings I instantly felt like it was the right thing to do.  But at the same time I was on my way to coach special Olympics and would be four hours away for the next three days.  So as I was emotionally trying to figure out what to do I was also driving a van full of athletes! Finally I found a way home (thanks Aireal and Grandma!) and made the long drive home.  Let me just tell ya, I was in a daze thinking of everything I needed, groceries I needed to buy and mostly I was worried if my first instincts where right.  Could we really handle this? This would be our first foster placement so it would be hard, and then triple that! Was I crazy.   How was this going to effect our everyday life? Bryan and I were so use to it just being us, how was that going to effect our marriage?  What about Kirianna, was she going to get the attention she is use to?  Will she know that even though we have these kids that we still love her the same? And then there was all our summer plans how can we do all of them with all the kids? And my projects I wanted to do, where would I get the time?  So many what ifs running through my head! Then I stopped and realized that those where all mostly selfish thoughts and that I needed to think really what would Heavenly Father want me to do? I know that the Lord has prepared and directed Bryan and I to this point in our life so he would for sure back us up when we need it.... The second day we had the kids I was so exhausted that morning,  I had traveled for 7 hours, been emotionally drained, had a cold and the baby was awake alot in the night.  Then in the craziness of morning i lost it.  For some reason I could not stop crying.  Poor bryan was trying to leave for work and I was a mess. I am sure he was like "great we have all these kids and my wife has gone crazy" Try as I might I couldn't pull it together. so once bryan had left I went into the bathroom and had to go to the one who could comfort me the way I needed, My Heavenly Father.  From that moment on I was given the peace and assurance that this was the right for our family.  I will never forget the encouragement I received on that day from my Heavenly Father."


I SO needed reminded of those strong feelings of the spirit I felt that day.  The Lord is in control he knows what is in the best interest of the kids, he knows the feelings of my heart!  I need to have more FAITH! I have been having such a hard time lately. So many emotions,  its getting to the point that adoption could be a possibility for us but then in the back of my mind I have to question "what if they don't agree with the case worker, what if they go back"  Especially tonight, as I tucked each of them in bed, my heart just ached to be able to be their mom for ever.  I listened to their little prays at bed thank heavenly father for Bryan and I. I swear I about lost it.  They are the cutest, most loving, amazing kids!   I need to pray harder, worry less, turn to the Lord and TRUST him!  I will never deny the strong promting I had to open our home to them., I just hope its for EVER not just a year....     

To my diabetic princess.

So much has been going on in our household the past three days.  Our little princess T was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes.  It has been a whirlwind, so much information to take in and so many emotions to sort thru.  The best way I can even recap it all is to share a letter I wrote to her....

Dearest T,

First things first, do you know how much I love you?  I love you so much, and feel so blessed that you have been a part of our family!  You are such a sweet fun loving, ball of energy topped with a crown for the most beautiful princess ever!  Tonight your life has changed forever.  I am looking at you so peacefully sleeping in your hospital bed and cant help the heart ache I have for you.  I so wish I could take this away from you. ( I now understand how grandma felt when she would tell me that same thing)  It is so hard to even wrap my head around the journey you have just begun.  But I do know that you are strong and amazing and will not let anything slow you down! I know that at times you will feel overwhelmed and frustrated and get mad at the trial you have been given.  But please know you are not alone! You have SO many people who love you and want to help you!  I will always be there! I will do EVERYTHING possible to help you stay healthy and do anything and everything you want.  Please know that when you cry from getting poked, I am crying too.  Please forgive me for having to hurt you in order to keep you healthy.  Above all always remember there is someone you can turn to who will always be there, who knows your pain and who will help you lighten your burden, its your Savior.  He loves you, turn to him, ask for his help he will never let you down.  He will protect you!  I will never forget the strongest prompting I felt when the spirit told me that something was not right, and you needed to see a doctor.  That just goes to show how much you are loved that the Lord made sure you would be ok, he kept you safe and will continue to do so.  So my little princess, don't let this trial define you!  You are going to be unstoppable, I can not wait to see the wonderful thing you will accomplish!  Thank you for letting me be part of your life! You encourage me to be better, you are my hero! I love you!

Flash back!

So tonight I have been going through some of my old journals and had quite the walk down memory lane! I am working on a activity for the young women to learn more about the importance of temple marriage.  So we are making time capsules they can open once they are engaged.  I am having them write down goals for the future and then a letter to their future husband. I remembered that some where in a old Journal I had wrote a letter to my future husband.  So I was on a mission to find it! After almost killing myself by getting to all my boxed up stuff in our dungeon of a basement, ( maybe thats a clue I need to clean down there)  I found the gold mine of journals! Oh man reading some of my old entries made me laugh.  Reading what 19 year old Mandy wanted in life sure gave me something to think about.  I read through a good 10 years of my life tonight. From my conversion to the gospel, days in the singles wards, life at BUY-I, to my wonderful mission experience and my post mission life.  I do have to say that I had some good goals set for myself! Some I accomplished, some i did not, but the most important things or should I say the most eternal things I have stayed true to.  I can gladly report that my main goals I consistently wrote about was, 1. Stay converted to the gospel. 2. Never settle for anything less than a temple marriage. 3. Be the best wife and mother as possible and 4. Keep family first, always! 

Now I know I have so much to improve on, but I am glad that I have been blessed enough to accomplish those goals. I. Am so so gratefully for my temple marriage! Reading my journals, hopes for marriage  and a family was talked about A LOT!  It seemed like I had to wait forever for Bryan! But he was so worth the wait! My pleadings to my Heavenly Father for the best husband was defiantly heard!  Bryan is so much more than I ever dreamed of.  I am so glad we are sealed together for eternity! That knowledge of knowing that  as we remain worthy that what ever happens we will be will be together forever brings me so much peace! The world is getting worse everyday, so much evil has hardened mens hearts. But we have something that no man can ever take from us, we have eternity! That thought empowers me, makes me want to be better! Most of all it makes me so grateful for what blessed I have.  I am so excited to see what the next 10 years of Journals will have in them! 

Midnight bawl fest anyone?

Oh my goodness please tell me I am not the only one out there who finds themselves having a bawl fest late at night after everyone else is in bed? Here I sit in an completely quite house. All the kids are sleeping soundly, and when I say kids I am including Bryan in that too. Sure this would be the perfect time to get some extra shut eye myself. I know the kids will be coming in to our bed for their morning snuggles way to early. I can already tell you I will need a nap tomorrow. ( that's a funny joke , what mom gets a nap anymore) :-)  For the life of me I can not turn my brain off. I am thinking about all that needs to be done and my long list of "I need to do betters".  In hopes to shut the brain off I start to surf the internet.  Some how one link lead me to another one and I came upon a blog post wrote by a Foster Mom.  You can read it here  Its about her experience being a foster parent.  She wrote it so amazingly.  Its like the feelings she expressed are the same as mine.  I just can't seem to put into words as well as she does.  She accounts her experience of having to give back her foster child after she cared from her for thirteen months.

" Dropping Nina off at a county center that morning was heart-wrenching. This child whom we loved with all our hearts, we so hoped to entrust directly to her mother, Rayna, with whom we had built a good relationship over the past thirteen months. Yet the social worker said they could not permit this and risk drama. When we arrived at the center, we were told to leave Nina in the playroom, all by herself, and depart. Rayna would come by later to pick her up. I will never forget Nina sitting by the wall, patting the space next to her and saying to me, “It, Mama, It.” (she could not say S’s back then, so “Sit” became “It”). I held her very, very close, hoping that the lifetime of love within me would work its way into her little body. “I love you, Nina,” I said fiercely. “I will always love you, OK?” “Be happy, Stay happy,” said Dyl as he followed with a hug for the daughter of his heart. As we headed toward our truck, our empty truck devoid of Nina’s things, we held each other and cried -– huge, broken sobs, mourning the loss in our lives."

OK I just started sobbing AGAIN  when I read through it one more time.  My heart just breaks for what this foster mom had to do.  I often think to myself what am I ever going to do if my little monkeys have to leave our home. I normally hurry and push those thoughts as far back as I can. It hurts to much to even think about that.  But tonight in the quit I can not help but think of the unknown.  What will I do? How will I fill my day up? How can I possibly go with out our crazy little super hero who is so full of energy and so tender hearted.  He has his moments just like any normal five year old boy who likes to test the waters with their mother. But I would not trade those times at all, those are the times we both learned from one another. How about my little princess? You do not get any more girly then her! She is getting so smart! She makes me laugh everyday,  she is my shopping buddy, my little miss independent I,ll do it myself girl. Then there is my little chunky monk! She is the tiniest little thing, but the toughest of the three.  She can take them all down in a blink of an eye.  I have been her momma since she was three months old. We have seen her roll to both sides for the first time, when she finally truly sat up with out falling over like a webble wabble. Then how fast she crawled, then walked and now running everywhere!  We taught her to say momma and daddy.  She melts my heart every time she looks at me and says momma.  I can't even put into words how much joy it gives me to see her run with the biggest smile on her face to Bryan when he gets home from work. How can I ever ever be expected to just pack up their stuff and leave them in a play room. My heart hurts just at the thought of that day.

I just pray that what ever happens that my faith can be strengthened in knowing that I have a Heavenly Father who has a plan for me.  That his plan for exceeds anything then I can ever imagine. I know that I am his daughter and He wants me to be happy. Although we do face hard times in life He will never stop giving us blessings to mold us, and perfect us so we can live with Him again.

Trusting in the Lord

For some reason my heart is very full tonight. The kids are in bed, everything is set out for the next busy day and I am sitting here in the peace of my home with thank fullness swelling in my heart!! It seems like the past few weeks have been pretty rough in the Dutton house. We have had frustrations and disappointments with some aspects of the fostering we are doing right now. We have had busy days and less time together as a family than normal.  And when I say "we" its more like i should just say "me". I totally agree with the phrase "If momma anit happy no one is happy"!  I know that most of our hard times could be lessened by how I view and reacted to different things.  I am really trying to do better!  Anyways, during this rough patch, I have received tender mercies from the Lord, that has reminded me what is most important! I honestly dont know why, or how the Lord can have so much patience  with me!  But I am so thankful for it!

One of the tender mercies I received came through a Young Women's activity.  Our young women's group went and interview some of the older women in our ward to get to know them better and also to learn from them.  I went with three of the girls and interviewed a Sister who has lived across from the church all of her married life. This sister had so much wisdom and experience to share it was amazing!  We each took turn asking questions and writing them down, for in the following weeks we did a special presentation on each sister at mutral. I asked this sister if she could give a young mother any advise what would it be?  I will never forget her response because I feel it was an answer to my prayer!  She said....

"Enjoy your children because before you know it they will be gone"

How great was it to received this reminder from the Lord.  True I am sure she was meaning they your children will be gone as in grown up and out of the house.  But for me and my situation it truly is "before you know it they will be gone".  We do not know how long we will have our little foster kids. There are so many things that are out of our control, so many unknowns.  At times I let myself focus on those unknows and get overwhelmed by them.  But at that night with that Sister and young women I was never happier to come home to my crazy messy house! 

Kidney-Galore!

So it seems like the past two weeks there has been kidney transplants everywhere we look. Ok maybe not everywhere but to two different people in our families! Its been so amazing to see the Lord's hand in each of their stories!  First of all on the 11th of January Bryan's sister Jenny gave her kidney to her husband Lane.  Its very rare that a husband and wife have a perfect match kidney!  They both are doing very well and recovering fast!
Then today my brother Aaron finally got his KIDNEY!  I am so extremely happy for him and his wife!  This will be a life changing event in their life!  For almost four years he has been on dialysis and has had one complication after another!  On Friday he got a call that there was a possible match for him, so he headed down to SLC.  Everything matched and surgery was set for Saturday morning. Well, his surgery got bumped.  The transplant team had a liver transplant to do before him, but that took longer than expected and since the surgeon needed to sleep they pushed it back to Sunday morning.  Then there was one more hick up in the plan...Aarons levels were to high!  So they had to do one last dialysis treatment to bring the levels in check.  About 1:00 pm Aaron was wheeled in to the OR.  By 5:00 the kidney was in and pink and healthy! I had to laugh when I got a text from my mom saying that Aaron was producing urine!  I have never been so happy to hear about PEE! :) By 6:30ish he was back in his room and instantly grabbing for the remote to watch the big NFL game!
It seems like the past three days was a roller-coaster.  One second excited for the kidney, sad and scared when plans changed and overwhelmed with graduated when it was over! I know that the Lord has been in control and has spared Aaron many times! I know that my family will forever be thankful for the gift that he received from his doner. I hope that the family who is suffering their loss at this time can find comfort and peace.

Lucky 13!

Well a new year is here again!  2013 CRAZY!  I am bound and determined to make 2013 a great year!  While most people are superstitious about the number 13, I am not!  13 has been my number for day one!  I was born on Friday the 13!  A lot of people joke and say "Oh that's why you have the bad "Avery" luck, 13 is unlucky!"   Yes some can say being born with a heart defect and the life time of hospitals and doctors and when things can go wrong, they do, would be about as unlucky as you can get. Well I don't believe that one bit! That over view of my life only skims the surface and does not describe  my life one bit. I am the LUCKIEST person I know. I have been blessed SO much in my life!  So I am going to steal an idea form my sister and list some of my highlights form 2012.

1.  My little family!  I love my family so much.  Bryan has to be the best thing that has ever happened to me!  2012 has taught us a lot. I feel like our relationship has grown so much this past year.  Bryan has been by my side always supportive and loving.  He went from having to be my personal nurse, to being a wonderful daddy to 3 foster kids in addition to Kirianna in what seemed to be overnight.  I can never put into words how much I love him and how much I appreciate him.  He makes me want to be a better person and more like him.!  Also my little KK.  She isn't so little anymore.  Kirianna is growing up so fast, she in nine now going on 17. :)  She also amazes me so much.  She has been such a good big sister to her foster siblings.  She has loved them and wanted to help them from day one.  Let me just tell ya, this girl is going to do great things when she grows up.  She is so talented and has a loving heart just like her daddy!

2. Foster Care. The last six months of 2012 was nothing like i thought they would be like at the beginning of last year.  Who would have thought that we would have a house full of kids!  NOT me! I did not think we would get a placement so fast and so many of them :)!  Oh but how grateful I am that Heavenly Father knows exactly what each of his children need.  I have loved being a foster mommy.  These little kids have taught me so much.  They taught me how to love people with out question.  No matter who they meet or come in contact with they show kindness and love.  They have also taught me how to just have fun.  I now see how the little things mean so much!  Yes this journey  has some times when it has been hard.  I would lie if i said its all been smooth sailing.  There has been tears shed, anger expressed and pure exhaustion but it has all been worth it!  So many times i get asked this question "So have you  got attached to the kids yet?  You know the longer you have them the harder it will be?" and  my personal favorite "Isn't it hard to love someone elses child?"  At times these questions anger me but now they actually sadden me.  Obviously the people who ask these questions do not get it.  Oh course i am attached!  I think I was attached from day one.  How can you care for someone a child none the less everyday and not grow to love them!  But here is my personal Mandy Dutton view.  It does not take a blood relation to form love!  I do not have to carry a baby inside me for nine months to make me a mom.  I do not have to say that my child looks like me to make that child mine.  I am a mom. I have struggled a lot with this "mom" thing and I truly think the Lord has humbled me and let my heart soften so I could see what he sees.  He sees me as a Mother and it is up to me to be the best one that I can be.  I just hope I can become what He wants me to be.

3: My Extended Family:  I have said it and will always say it, I have the BEST family EVER!  I have had to turn to our extended families alot this year.  They have been my nurses they first part of the year and babysitters that last part of the year!  I am grateful we have a great support system to help us along our way! My sister is always there to help and the kids just love Aunt T-rex.  She gives me a grown up to talk to when I need it! :)  Also my Sister in laws are always there to give me a good laugh and have fun with.  I honestly am so happy I love my in laws...or this whole eternity thing would seem very long :) I am just going to put this out there...The children Bryan and I are blessed with will have such a amazing family to turn to!  The Avery-Dutton family combo will have to be the best for kids to grow up in!

Well I do have so many more blessings to count, but not enough time to type them all!  But stay tuned for highlights of the Best Year Ever!  2013! So much to look forward too...