Heart of a Mother

It's been a while since I updated the blog.  For some reason I have felt prompted to write down my feelings.  I am not sure what is to be learned from doing so, but maybe it will bring me some sort of peace, if not now but maybe in the future.  It seems like the Dutton house has been a super busy life full of change.   Kids starting school, going back to work, getting each child from one place to another, finding time to help with PTA and doing my calling at church. So much to do in only 24 hours a day.  Some days I wonder, "How did i accomplish everything" and some days I know I didn't get one thing that I needed to do done.  I think this is true life of EVERY mother out there. Motherhood is crazy but also amazing.  Just last week as I was watching General Conference I was reminded just how important it is to be a mother.  Some of my favorite quotes are:

I really needed to hear those words. It seems like I have been quietly struggling with feeling that I am not a good enough mother or wife.  Every women thinks that right?  At least that is what I keep telling myself.  See the thing is, I NEVER thought I would be a wife and the thought that I would be a mother was so ridiculous in my  head.  Growing up I truly believed that no one would ever want me.  That the burden and complexity of my heart problems would be too much for someone to ever want. I now can see as I have gown and truly trusted in the Lord how silly and wrong that was to believe.  Love is not conditioned based on your health or past.  Love is what can make you whole, even when you are still broken.  I am so grateful everyday that Bryan was sent to me and has taught me that everyday,  Also my kids teach me about love everyday, on such a different level then I could of ever imagined. 

Honestly, some days I look in the review of our van and see the kids siting there and think to my self, "oh my goodness, I am a mom!  I am really a MOM! How did this happen?"  It is so weird, I know!

I won't lie, there are still some days when I get sad thinking that I will never bear a child. It seems like everyone is pregnant right now, (which I am SO happy for them!), so it just seems to bring out the tears sometimes. With that thought I also feel extremely guilty for  even thinking about being sad.  I have been so blessed with four children, how dare I morn the loss of a "possible" child.  But I do, I lack faith in that department.  I am still working on that.  That being said, I am so blessed to have the children I do call me mom!

I love to listen to them call out "mom". Especially when they call me mommy or come up and give me a hug for no reason at all.  It makes all the hard work worth it. It wasn't too long ago that I thought i would never hear my 3 little monkeys call me mom.  What a long hard road that was.  I am truly starting to understand how special it is to be an adoptive mother. I really don't like that term "adoptive mother" because I am a Mother, it doesn't matter how your child comes to you, you are a mother.  But for the propose of explaining my thoughts I will use the term "Mother by adoption".  

I honestly wish there was a book someone hands you that tells you how to be a "Mother by adoption"  Some days are so hard. You start to dream about the birth mom, all the time.  Worried that some how some way, she sees everything you do and hates you for it.. You have to think of ways to explain to people that yes, my kids don't look like me but they are mine.  You start to worry that one day they will yell "your not my real mom".  You wonder all the time if you will ever find forgiveness in your heart for the birth mom who did so much harm to your little ones. ( I know that not ever birth mom is like that, but in our case it is) The one thing that races through your mind the most is, what if THEY don't think i am good enough.  There is so much fear that goes on inside the brain of a "mother by adoption"

With all those fears, there is also So much JOY. So many answered prayers, so many miracles that you witnessed! You are truly blessed!  I can not wait to explain and share my memories and testimony of eternal families with my children time and time again! 

   *I am sure there is so much grammar and spelling errors, I am sorry for that, but if I reread my thoughts I will end up not sharing them. Sorry :)

2015 Here we go!

Wow, how in the world is it already 2015?  I swear it was not too long ago that I was in high school thinking that the year 2001 would NEVER come!  Now it seems like I can not slow time down at all!  It seems like every beginning of the year I join the majority of people and have grand plans on making the new year the best year ever.  Well to be honest this year I have had a hard time getting into that mind frame.  I think the biggest reason would be that its going to be pretty hard to top 2014!  It was a very great year!  We officially became a family of six! The adoption of Terrance and Tyanna and Nahayla was amazing and then to be blessed to be sealed in the temple for eternity is beyond words to describe.  We made so many fun and exciting memories last year,  We were truly blessed in every aspect of our lives!  Although we did have to go threw heart ache and hard times to get there, I wouldn't change anything.  So with all that said what is our families goals for next year?  (well at least my goal, so hence its everyone's right?)

"Try a little harder to be a little better"

When I saw this quote today something just stuck out to me.  See I have been having a hard time lately.  I have felt like I has falling short in every part of my life.  I felt like a horrible mom, a slacking wife, and forgetful friend.  I have so many things people relies on me to do that I felt like I was letting everyone down.  In fact I was having a pretty good pity party for myself when I happened to grab my phone and looked at all the photos on  it.  What did I see?  I saw my beautiful children, happy and loving .  I was very quickly reminded to snap out of the pity party and to very simply  count my blessings!  Yes sometimes life it hard.  Sometime being a mom is SO hard!  Sometimes (ok a lot of times) I make mistakes.  Sometimes I simply can not do it all.  And guess what?  That is ok!  I need to remind my self that!  I know that the Lord did not give me all the blessings I have to weigh me down or to burden me and to cause me to fail.  No He gave them to me to BLESS me!  To give me JOY, to make me HAPPY.  To HELP me to become more like Him.  So obviously I have been looking at my life a little wrong lately.  So I am going to change that!  I am not going to make this HUGE life changing resolution to do everything perfect, I simple know that I will fail at being perfect.  So my plan is everyday to "try a little harder to be a little better".  I know that as I do that, the Lord will surly bless me in the struggles that I face.  I know that I can do simple things to be better.  Maybe spend an extra 10 min with one of my kiddos one on one.  I can surly find time to read my scriptures a little longer.  I can call a friend to catch up.  I can sit down with my husband and ask him about HIS day, and truly listen.  I can teach instead of scold.  I can make a memory with my children even if our house is a mess.  There are so many simple little ways that i can be a little better!

So as this new year moves on, I hope that I can enjoy it and not just endure it.  I hope I can say I have a little more faith and trust in the Lord along the way.