It's been a while since I updated the blog. For some reason I have felt prompted to write down my feelings. I am not sure what is to be learned from doing so, but maybe it will bring me some sort of peace, if not now but maybe in the future. It seems like the Dutton house has been a super busy life full of change. Kids starting school, going back to work, getting each child from one place to another, finding time to help with PTA and doing my calling at church. So much to do in only 24 hours a day. Some days I wonder, "How did i accomplish everything" and some days I know I didn't get one thing that I needed to do done. I think this is true life of EVERY mother out there. Motherhood is crazy but also amazing. Just last week as I was watching General Conference I was reminded just how important it is to be a mother. Some of my favorite quotes are:
I really needed to hear those words. It seems like I have been quietly struggling with feeling that I am not a good enough mother or wife. Every women thinks that right? At least that is what I keep telling myself. See the thing is, I NEVER thought I would be a wife and the thought that I would be a mother was so ridiculous in my head. Growing up I truly believed that no one would ever want me. That the burden and complexity of my heart problems would be too much for someone to ever want. I now can see as I have gown and truly trusted in the Lord how silly and wrong that was to believe. Love is not conditioned based on your health or past. Love is what can make you whole, even when you are still broken. I am so grateful everyday that Bryan was sent to me and has taught me that everyday, Also my kids teach me about love everyday, on such a different level then I could of ever imagined.
Honestly, some days I look in the review of our van and see the kids siting there and think to my self, "oh my goodness, I am a mom! I am really a MOM! How did this happen?" It is so weird, I know!
I won't lie, there are still some days when I get sad thinking that I will never bear a child. It seems like everyone is pregnant right now, (which I am SO happy for them!), so it just seems to bring out the tears sometimes. With that thought I also feel extremely guilty for even thinking about being sad. I have been so blessed with four children, how dare I morn the loss of a "possible" child. But I do, I lack faith in that department. I am still working on that. That being said, I am so blessed to have the children I do call me mom!
I love to listen to them call out "mom". Especially when they call me mommy or come up and give me a hug for no reason at all. It makes all the hard work worth it. It wasn't too long ago that I thought i would never hear my 3 little monkeys call me mom. What a long hard road that was. I am truly starting to understand how special it is to be an adoptive mother. I really don't like that term "adoptive mother" because I am a Mother, it doesn't matter how your child comes to you, you are a mother. But for the propose of explaining my thoughts I will use the term "Mother by adoption".
I honestly wish there was a book someone hands you that tells you how to be a "Mother by adoption" Some days are so hard. You start to dream about the birth mom, all the time. Worried that some how some way, she sees everything you do and hates you for it.. You have to think of ways to explain to people that yes, my kids don't look like me but they are mine. You start to worry that one day they will yell "your not my real mom". You wonder all the time if you will ever find forgiveness in your heart for the birth mom who did so much harm to your little ones. ( I know that not ever birth mom is like that, but in our case it is) The one thing that races through your mind the most is, what if THEY don't think i am good enough. There is so much fear that goes on inside the brain of a "mother by adoption"
With all those fears, there is also So much JOY. So many answered prayers, so many miracles that you witnessed! You are truly blessed! I can not wait to explain and share my memories and testimony of eternal families with my children time and time again!
*I am sure there is so much grammar and spelling errors, I am sorry for that, but if I reread my thoughts I will end up not sharing them. Sorry :)
